Her Story, XXII

Thanks for waiting. In case you missed the preview, find it here, so you know what to expect. If you are not sure what Beneath the Smile is about, please check the preview out.

The project aims at looking beyond the smiles of the next person, to see what’s really beneath, what’s really going on? How people really need help and won’t bother saying anything about it but would rather cover it up with a façade of strength, with a smile.
It’s time to look beneath the smile and lend a helping hand. People are going through real things, these are their stories.

We hope that you’d be kind enough to leave a comment. Your feedback is important to us.

Today’s story was sent in by one of our readers, who has asked to stay Anonymous.

This is her story.

Please Read.

The ‘Beneath the Smile’ Project.

behind the smile

Hi.

I’m one of those regular kids, not extremely rich, but very comfortable… I wasn’t abused as a kid, to the best of my knowledge and I remember getting every good thing I needed… Perfect life yeah?! I know… This story is not directly about the me you all know- the happy girl who’s always there for everybody and who doesn’t feel pain, it’s about the real me.

Since I could tell the difference between right and wrong, all I’ve ever wanted is to be accepted, to be wanted. I mean I have family members that love me and friends, they’ll do almost anything for me, but it has never been enough. I’ve looked for love in all the wrong places, gotten my heart-broken too many times. I’ve loved and I’ve lost, it has always been the same feeling of gross inadequacy, emptiness, void, loneliness … Like a hole in my heart… I’ve never been able to explain it but it’s there.

Nobody really knows these things, most people think I’m very shy or I’m ‘forming’ … because I put on a façade of happiness most times and frankly, it’s easier to say ‘I’m fine’ than to start explaining the reasons why I’m not.

I have very deep trust issues… I mean, I’ll rather keep it in my heart, than say it out, even for me to hear. So much, that I don’t trust the decisions I make. I’m indecisive most times because of that and opening up to people that love me has always been a very difficult task.

I should pray??? I tried that… I cried to God, nothing changed.

I’m usually the rock for my friends, the one that gives sound advice. But no one has ever paused to think that the ‘rock’ might need a someone too.

I’m all alone in this, I’ve always been… Maybe I’ll be fine someday, maybe I’ll understand what I truly need. But till then, all the feelings of gross inadequacy, the emptiness, the void,the loneliness, it’s all gonna be hidden beneath my perfect smile. 🙂

• • •

Don’t just read, say a prayer.

A PENNY FOR YOUR THOUGHTS?

N.B. The project goes on with Tomorrow’s ’Her Story, XXIII’ by @ThisConnectd

You can still send in your own true stories to obafuntay@gmail.com

You can subscribe to the blog (at the right column to follow the project, if you are viewing with your mobile, just scroll to the end of this page to subscribe)

His Story, X

Thanks for waiting. In case you missed the preview, find it here, so you know what to expect. If you are not sure what Beneath the Smile is about, please check the preview out.

The project aims at looking beyond the smiles of the next person, to see what’s really beneath, what’s really going on? How people really need help and won’t bother saying anything about it but would rather cover it up with a façade of strength, with a smile.
It’s time to look beneath the smile and lend a helping hand. People are going through real things, these are their stories.

We hope that you’d be kind enough to leave a comment. Your feedback is important to us.

Today’s story was sent in by one of our readers, who has asked to stay Anonymous.

This is his story.

Please Read.

The ‘Beneath the Smile’ Project.

behind the smile

I have embraced loneliness to the point that it has become my comfort zone.

I can’t remember most of my childhood days. I shut out those memories because of what happened when I was younger. My parents had a very disturbing divorce when I was little. I can remember them fighting everyday, shouting, beating and all. My dad would shout, my mom would shout back and then they would start hitting each other. It got so bad that one day my dad chased my mom out with a gun. All I could do was cry and all my elder brother would do, was act deaf like nothing was happening and my baby sister could not understand anything that was happening because she was not up to a year.

Back then when I go to school, my brother and I would not want to come back home because of how things were at home. Then one day we came back home from school and found out that we were moving to another house without my dad and the next day we started going to court everyday, till they finalised the divorce and they said my mom would take the girl while my dad took us, the boys. (My brother and I)

My mom took us all, but still I couldn’t handle it. At times, I would run away to my dad’s house and back to my mom’s. I kept going to and fro like that. Still, my brother wasn’t saying anything till one day, he couldn’t handle it and he ran away. We found him the next day, but he said he wanted to go and stay with my step brothers and sisters, that he didn’t want to stay with either of my parents. That’s most of what I can remember from my childhood and it affected me growing up.

I started rebelling, always making trouble. I wasn’t feeling loved by anybody, not by my mom nor my dad. Then finally, my mom left me and took my sister to the UK and they became citizens there. My dad took me to go join the rest of my brothers and sisters. After much rebellion from me, he put me in a boarding school, but I got expelled. I changed schools a lot, I went to more than 12 schools before I got into the university.

I finally got into a federal university. I was so disturbed in the head that I did not have any regard for life. I smoked weed a lot and I joined a fraternity. I became the number one of my squad and I was feared by many. I never did anything spiritual, I never killed anyone, but I put a lot of people in the hospital. Then in my final year, I left because I became the target of a rival fraternity.

I got into CU and started afresh. In CU, I became very quiet. I hated violence, I tried to play with people and make people laugh. I was very friendly and NOTE this I hated who I was before. I regret the fact that I was in a fraternity group. I became the kindest and cutest person you could ever know. I became calm, but I had this hole in my heart. I was still very lonely. When I’m alone in my room, I think a lot and almost want to cry and that was how I developed high BP which still affects me till now.

I was trying to get close to God and I did at some point, but then, the only girl I ever loved left me like that and went to meet some other guy. Then I realized that I never experienced love from my childhood till now. I prayed and prayed for her to come back and she didn’t and I lost my faith, which is still hard for me to get back even till now.

But then again, I started finding comfort in loneliness, but when you see me, I smile and laugh a lot. I still have this great loneliness in me. At some point, the loneliness left because of one of my cousins. We were so close, always hanging out and stuff. We did everything together, went clubbing together and all. We were always together. But one fateful day, the 2nd of September, 2012… he died and left me all alone again… Just like that. Before then, the last time I cried was when I was little because of the divorce, but last year, I cried everyday for almost two months, every single day before I go to bed, I would cry. My palms used to shake because I used to cry so hard and they still shake till now.

Then someone who I never really spoke to, all that in school came and comforted me, she took part of my loneliness away and showed me what love is. We’ve been dating for 5 months now, but sometimes the loneliness is still there.

Beneath my smile remains a lonely heart.

• • •

Don’t just read, say a prayer.
A PENNY FOR YOUR THOUGHTS?

N.B. The project goes on with Tomorrow’s  #VideoWednesday, {8am} and ’His Story, XI’ by an Anonymous writer, {4pm}

You can still send in your own true stories to obafuntay@gmail.com

You can subscribe to the blog (at the right column to follow the project, if you are viewing with your mobile, just scroll to the end of this page to subscribe)