The Identity Chase

This may pass across as a long read, but do read. Every line is worth it. I promise. This post is one I personally like.

This post is dedicated to God, the source of Inspiration.

Enjoy.

Source: Google

Help me

All I can hear is the echo of my voice…
I can’t breathe! Help me!
But the silence just gets worse
The darkness gets thicker
I try to claw my way out of the darkness
It only suffocates me
The last thing I remember is a heavy slap on my face and then I recede into nothingness…
I wake up to find a man beside me
“Hello stranger, he pipes, what are you doing here?”
My spirits soar
At last some help!
I’m looking for something, I sputter in excitement; can u help me find it, I ask?
Oh I know just the thing, he says
Money! He screams
Money answers everything!
I look at him, my emotions in a jumble
Are you sure? I ask
Oh yes, he says, money is the way forward!
I was confused about how money could help me
He didn’t even ask me what I was looking for.
I wanted an answer so badly I just followed him.


No!!!
Don’t bring me back here!!!
Please! I’ll do anything to be away from here!!!
Help me!
I have all the resources to satisfy your whims!
Please take me away from here! Please!
But my pleas fall on deaf ears and the door clangs shut very loudly
Disillusioned I fall into a heap
Unaware of when sleep comes to claim me…

Darling!!!
Wake up!!
What! Wh.. Who… Me?
When did I get married?
I open my eyes to the very picture of Aphrodite all my senses became alert instantly!
If this wasn’t heaven nothing else was!
Are we married? I ask
My eyes heavily lidded in lust
Oh no dear she answers sultrily
But we will be soon
I close my eyes in pleasure
Nothing beats this! nothing!
As she leaves, leaving me languishing on the bed I begin to relive our pleasure filled moments
Grrrr! My phone rings very loudly
Jolting me rudely from my reverie
Hello! I bellow in anger
Within a second my anger vanished. Even sweeter than the former was the voice over the phone
“I have perfumed my bed and I have your favourites on. My chauffeur will pick you up...”
Hardly had she finished speaking when a loud knock vibrates on my door
I dress up hurriedly to my destruction…
Ah! This is the life!
Life cannot get better!
Trapezing from girl to girl!
And none of them not having an inkling of what’s going on!
Ah I rub my hands in pleasure…
I love my life!

If you touch me!
Do you know who I am!
I will slap you!
The last thing I remember is a kick to my shin and exploding pain before the darkness envelopes me once again…

“Ade!”
“I’m talking to you!”
With rapidly blinking eyes I am jolted back to the present
“This is it, man”
“If you try this thing, no more worries for you man, this is the key to respect, man”
“Just take a sniff”
I don’t know about this, I stutter
“Don’t you trust me?”
With great trepidation I sniff a little
The feeling was indescribable
Nothing beats this
I must have all of this
I say in excitement
And I had all of it
I want more
I still want more
I must have more…
I swear I could smell it
I bring my nose closer to take a sniff
I open my eyes to relish the scene
And all I see is darkness…
…..
“Dance this dance!”
But I’m tired
“You must continue o!”
But I’m tired!
“If you don’t dance no one will accept you…”
With aching limbs I continue to dance…
I am dancing but my steps are not quick enough
Very loudly, whips land on my back
Ah! Have mercy! I cry
“Don’t you want to be accepted? Don’t you want to be part of us?”
I do not answer
I continue to dance
The dance of recognition
The dance to be accepted
This time I know exactly when I lose consciousness
And for the first time I appreciate the darkness…

What we are about to offer you is unparalleled
We hear of this darkness that consumes you
And we beat our chests to tell you that the end has come to the darkness!
Our only condition is that you agree…
This must be right I think
It has to be
It must work
It just has too…
The horrors of that time are indescribable
The evil lurking in the within is boundless
I do not wait to be thrown into the darkness this time
I walk into it with joy and pleasure…

My search is fruitless
I have searched and searched and my soul is weary with pain
This gaping hole deep where I cannot touch is sickening
I cry but I cannot cry out
I weep but my lips do not move
This darkness is nauseating…
Perhaps ending it all is the answer
I make haste to end it all…
Suddenly a bright light envelopes me
What is this I ask? Who are you? Who am I?
“You are who I say you are” a voice from nowhere answers
A voice unearthly
So sweet the darkness recedes at its echo

The voice of God.

@Its_Kash thinking on www(dot)obafuntay(dot)com

**********************************************************************************************************************

Many of us face this every day, in different ways going through life in search of, who we truly are, chasing after an identity to call ours.

In this pursuit for Identity, to know who we are, we’ve succumbed to peer-pressure, seemingly ‘lived the life’, trying to fill up the void within, in anyway we can, we’ve made bad decisions, terrible resolutions, and eventually, have lost ourselves… Who we truly are? What we were made to do? Our purpose. Our Identity.

When you feel defeated, worthless and think you can’t amount to anything good? That’s the devil talking, lying, that’s his job and he has been defeated. Ending it all is never the answer. It’s time to listen to that sweet voice, the voice of God.

You are who I say you are – God

But then, this is what I think, what do I know?

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In His Hands

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In His Hands

Before all is said and after all is done.

He remains the only Faithful One. The only Faithful God.

So wisdom only demands that I be,

In His Hands.

Where would you rather be?

My sheep listen to my voice; I know them, and they follow me. I give them eternal life, and they shall never perish; no one can snatch them out of my hand. My Father, who has given them to me, is greater than all; no one can snatch them out of my Father’s hand. – John 10: 27-29

@Femme_Fatale018’s Letter

Welcome to the second project on obafuntaydotcom, The Letter to my unborn child project. If you missed the preview, you can view it here, just so you have an idea what we are up to, as much as the project title, speaks for itself.

Ever thought of writing a letter? Better still, a letter to your unborn child?

What would you name him/her? Why not give your unborn child a name now and write him/her a letter? Yes! Right now! Doesn’t sound like a bad idea to me.

What do you think?

Today, we’d be reading Ohita’s letter.

Hang in there.

Dorothy's Letter

Ohita’s Letter

KIT or STRIP, I wondered to myself as I walked into the white-walled gleaming pharmacy. I had no idea which was more reliable; I had never done this before or being in such confusion. I knew I wasn’t well, nothing seemed normal; I would wake up in the mornings feeling woozy, get back from work and sleep the entire time, same sleep I struggled with during working hours.

I had never had a ‘proper’ intercourse or at least so I thought, no one would believe “Virgin Mary” was long gone. My periods were still right on time and with the usual excruciating pains from beyond BUT I still felt something wasn’t right. I walked out of the pharmacy again and paced for at least another 30 minutes right in front of the doors until I thought to call your aunt Esther. She on the other hand was as clueless as I was, but then she was the one person I could try trusting a 5.83 on a scale of 10.

Speaking to her on the phone, I back into the pharmacy and headed straight to the counter, I ask for which is more preferable for my friend over the phone and he advised a kit.

For the first time in weeks, I was so eager to get home and see my bathroom. On getting home I thought of the thousands ‘what ifs’, and for a pessimist I am a pretty good optimist. Straight to my room, doors locked behind me, read the instructions on the kit… I was actually going through with this “Dr Gregg’s Pregnancy test kit” I tested and then…

I called my mister up and told him how my day went and how I had a rather fulfilled day. He knowing me well asked whether or not anything spectacular had happened for this my sudden gush. I sent him a photo of the test kit and screamed that I was fine, I had tested negative. He was pretty composed about it and even tried unsuccessfully to make a joke or two.

Little did he know…
How much I had contemplated taking out a child if I ever got pregnant before marriage, after all, friends had gotten it over and done with, I mean.
What’s the worst that could happen?

– A baby’s demise, actually.

Days went,
Weeks,
Months of the usual menstrual downhills… I was perfect now or again, so I thought.

Until Saturday the 13th of May, 2011, approximately five months after my kit/strip dilemma something rather startling occurred.  The mister and I had always wanted to go mountain climbing but for some reasons largely due to our location, it took forever till we chose that day.

  • A camera
  • Two bagpacks
  • Three bottles of water
  • 6 perfect ‘neka cupcakes
  • Earplugs.

All checked and ready to go. On getting there, all set to overcome this mountain, ahead of us. I felt a sharp pain in my lower abdomen region but guessed it was my tummy being itself, it couldn’t be more than a rumble, or so I thought. Soon after, the pain became unbearable that before the mister could help figure what was wrong everything was in twos and then BLANK!

Lots of white lights, Doctors, Nurses, stethoscopes, whites and stainless steels…

“Ohi, Ohi, you are going to be fine the doctor says you were five monn..”

****
My Darling One, My very Own, The One I live for,
I was asked to get on a project, writing to my unborn kiddo. So here goes nothing.
First off, I’d like to give you some safety tips for Life’s journey. These are to serve as guidelines not necessarily compulsions, but then call them “MOMMY S BLUEPRINTS TO LIFE”.

God -Nothing is ever too little or too much or too inappropriate to speak to God about. Nothing at all! I know this. Whenever it seems like no one will understand you or you are in a state of confusion beyond even your comprehension, a word of prayer can do a lot. Often times, the effect might not be instant but eventually peace comes.

Family -Family is all you have. When I say family I mean your nuclear family: Dad, Mom, Siblings. That’s self explanatory. Your siblings should be the most important persons to you. Arguments and squabbles will definitely arise, my love. It’s only human nature. In the end, always sort out things. As your great-grandfather would advice”Never go to bed upset”

Friends – “Trust no one. God is your best bet” but then, “No man is an Island”
Be careful of the company you keep. It doesn’t necessarily have to define you. If you stick to your guns and know what you want from whatever friendship or interactions.

Education/School – I m a strong believer of going to school, studying, good grades and all of that, but then I can only help you make the right decisions. Keyword – “HELP”. Whatever you decide to study or become. I m behind you all the way and would love you still come what may. Yes, even if somehow, its football you wish, we can work it out. Probably take summer football classes or holiday academy but that doesn’t stop getting a degree.

Life as a whole is one you will own, control yours. “Life is what happens while we are busy making other plans”. Do what’s right always, be diligent, be kind, always polite amongst others be tolerant. – Make each day your master piece, put your best foot forward at all times.

Eventually, you will get curious about love, relationships and sex. Don’t worry child, we would discuss these in person.

How???

Well, because the story highlighted before this letter was at first a scare but nah, that wasn’t how you were conceived.
I was five months gone, diagnosed with appendicitis and not taking safety precautions, it wasn’t healthy for me. I’ve got that all sorted now.

I love you forever and always, my dear Aisabolopia, Ohiolomokelede, Ian, Chiefulumekene, Titemini.

P.S – I m sorry you have a lot of names; I have a thing for them.
MOMMY!

A PENNY FOR YOUR THOUGHTS?

You can send in your own written letters to obafuntay@gmail.com

I’d like to take a moment here, to appreciate everyone who has taken the trouble of opening post links, reading letters, sharing, writing your own letters and keeping this project going. You guys are awesome!

{The option to send in letters, closes tomorrow the 14th at noon. Letters received after this date, would not be published. Thank you} 

N.B. The project goes on tomorrow, with @Sirkastiq‘s letter.

You can subscribe to the blog (at the right column to follow the project, if you are viewing with your mobile, just scroll to the end of this page to subscribe)

@KoyaTheHermit’s Letter

Welcome to the second project on obafuntaydotcom, The Letter to my unborn child project. If you missed the preview, you can view it here, just so you have an idea what we are up to, as much as the project title, speaks for itself.

Ever thought of writing a letter? Better still, a letter to your unborn child?

What would you name him/her? Why not give your unborn child a name now and write him/her a letter? Yes! Right now! Doesn’t sound like a bad idea to me.

What do you think?

Today, we’d be reading Temi’s letter.

Hang in there.

Baby

Dear Daughter,

At the time you’re reading this letter, two things are certain. I am dead, and you are thirteen years young. If nothing else, I’d like you to know two things. I love you and, I’m so, very sorry.

Sorry that I can’t be there to hold you when you cry, or pick you up when you are stumbling, guide you against my bad choices. Sorry that I would not be able to share your comfort food and watch a sappy romance movie as you sob into my bosom after your first breakup. Sorry that I would never be able to be content just to be filled with love at a look, a touch, a smile from you. Sorry that I would never be able to tuck you in at night, or read you a bedtime story, watching your eyelids flutter close as your dreams run in meanders over your face. Sorry that I won’t be able to hear you sleep-talk, or hold you through the tumultuous nights filled with boogeymen and monsters.

Sorry that I would never be able to attend your PTA meetings, or watch you learn to play your first musical instrument, or attend your first ballet recital. Sorry that I would never get to hold your hand as we cross the street until you tell me you can do it on your own. Sorry that I would never be able to fall in love with you in different ways all over again day after day. Sorry that I couldn’t watch you smile and laugh. Sorry that I couldn’t watch you learn to talk and walk, and sneak from our house to your first boyfriend’s arms. Sorry that I couldn’t be in on your itty bitty secrets, and share your big dreams, using your ceiling as a billboard. Sorry that I couldn’t watch you grow into the beautiful young woman I’m certain you have become. Sorry that Death’s grip was stronger than my will. Sorry that I could never whisper ‘I love you’ and nibble on your ears as we had a good ole’ laugh. Sorry that sorry is but a word, quickly uttered and in itself grossly inadequate.

It hurts more than anything else that I can’t be, but sorry.

Tiwa. Dear Tiwa. Tiwaloreoluwa. God’s gift is ours. You are God’s gift to me.

That grey day, when the doctor told me of the placenta previa that riddled my innards and asked me to choose between life and you, I knew. I knew you were my choice, without thinking. You rescued my mind and my heart when you came into my body, my baby. When I discovered that day that I could carry you for months, I resolved that my last months, no matter how difficult, would be spent loving you, preparing for you, sacrificing for you. I’d rather bring you into the world, than remove you from my womb, I told your father, as his eyes glistened with tears. I prayed in the corner of my room that night, and many others after it, and I never felt more convinced of anything else in my entire life. You are the last note to the symphony that is my life.

You, my darling, are the baton that I carried in the last lap in my life’s relay and while I dread this inevitable day of The Reaper’s death call, I am grateful to God, in His infinite mercies, for deeming me worthy as a vessel to bear you into this un-beseeming world on that same day. I am comforted with the idea of carrying you for the next eight months, and holding you in my arms, looking at your adorable, twinkly little eyes, as my life’s journey ends. I hope your father teaches you to be you, as he showed me who I am.

I hope he lets you realize who you are. I hope you love the things that I do. I hope you love to live, laugh and sing and dance. Talk and chortle all at once. Books and meaningful music. Guzzling up the words and lyrics as your soul becomes over-fed. Ice cream, coffee and stuffed animals. Soothing all hurt, and sealing gaping holes. I hope that you live a life as God wants you to. I hope and pray to God that you find Him, and seek Him forever more. Seek honesty, love, joy and integrity; for in these you find truth and wholesomeness. I hope you remember always that no matter what, you’re a beautiful person. You are light, and light cannot be hidden. I hope you remember that your power can supersede any and every block placed in your path to fulfillment. I hope you don’t make my mistakes.

Respect your father. He’s inexplicably strong, and his love for you can be seconded to none. Love him, and take care of him. Complement his shortcomings, and don’t let him drown in misery, as he tends to. And if he marries again, as I have asked him to; respect his wife and take care of her. These would be your parents, your anchors.

Family is key. Honor them, keep them close, and don’t ever let anyone (even you) take advantage of them. They are your prized jewels, your world. Love them, and never let go. They will always love you, no matter what you do, or what happens in this whirlpool called life. I pray my friends and siblings become your family, and that they teach you the virtues I’d have loved to instill in you.

You see, baby girl, life can be like a song. Whereby things start off slowly and gently, in low notes, and then there’s a bridge of hollow happenings, and suddenly, there is an increase in tempo; a crescendo of events for good, and an explosion into beautiful melodies until they fade off into nothingness.

Your life, just like mine or anybody else’s is not going to be filled with only joy and rainbows. There would be harsh storms, my darling, and I pray to God that you learn the source of your strength early, and the ability to draw from it. So be strong. No one but yourself can make you unable to do something. When Life throws you hardened balls of hurt and hurls bitter bile of unkindness at you, stare her with all indignation flashing in your eyes, and rise beyond it, like a phoenix from darkened ashes. Strive for perfection. Never settle for mediocrity. You, my love, are the spawn of greatness. The blood that runs in your veins are not of mere men. Read far and wide. Broaden your horizon, and dream. Don’t ever stop dreaming.

Love wholeheartedly. Give all and expect nothing in return. Remember to love God first, for He keeps you in health and peace, and love others, for they are human and represent God here on earth, albeit their insufficient cage of flesh. Respect everyone around you, and learn to sacrifice; be it your time, words, or money for the betterment of another’s’ day or life. Employ courtesy and class, for without them, one cannot be called a woman. When heartbreak befalls you my sweetheart, break and build. Leave no cracks un-smoothed. Be it a boy or death, life would not always be fair. Find closure in your closet. Don’t let disappointments deter you from actualizing your dreams. Pain is addictive. Do not drown yourself in your own tears.

Build long-lasting, and symbiotic friendships and relationships. Learn from these people. Grow with them by your side. Never forget that people will fail you, be hypocritical, and try to hurt you; but don’t fail anybody. Stand by your word. Take them along in your journey. Grow into your own. Don’t let anybody push you down. I embodied strength, bordering on stubbornness. My obstinate nature in you must be put into good use. Do not let anyone – be it man, woman, friend or even husband dictate to you what is best for you. They may correct, contribute, or support, but never ever dictate to you.

Muliebrity entails brains, brawn and beauty. I pray you find that you find that these do not relate solely to the physical sense. They are innate in you, you just need to reach into it.
Make the verses of Proverbs 31 of the Bible your mantras, baby. They constitute a manual for womanhood.

Look within, find peace.
Be aware of the beauty you radiate. Bubble with mirth.
Never forget, everything I do, I do it for you.
You my love, are my light and life.

I love you, with every fiber of my being and every certainty of my existence.

Your mother.

• • •

A PENNY FOR YOUR THOUGHTS?

You can send in your own written letters to obafuntay@gmail.com

N.B. The project goes on Monday, with @Delia_Maraj‘s letter.

You can subscribe to the blog (at the right column to follow the project, if you are viewing with your mobile, just scroll to the end of this page to subscribe)

#VideoWednesday Carry what’s yours.

My brother shared this video with me sometime last week, I really needed it at that time. Little did he know. Now, when things are going ‘yama-yama’ again, I basically play it again in my head and it makes a lot of sense to me.

Do not pray for easy lives. Pray to be stronger men. -John F. Kennedy

I’m talking way too much, watch today’s #VideoWednesday

Carry your cross.

Have a great Wednesday.

#VideoWednesday

Please Share.

P.S. Please, if you have any video you think should be shared to others and we can feature on our #VideoWednesday, please mail me at obafuntay@gmail.com

Thank you.

Her Story, XL

Thanks for waiting. In case you missed the preview, find it here, so you know what to expect. If you are not sure what Beneath the Smile is about, please check the preview out.

The project aims at looking beyond the smiles of the next person, to see what’s really beneath, what’s really going on? How people really need help and won’t bother saying anything about it but would rather cover it up with a façade of strength, with a smile.
It’s time to look beneath the smile and lend a helping hand. People are going through real things, these are their stories.

We hope that you’d be kind enough to leave a comment. Your feedback is important to us.

Today’s story was sent in by one of our readers who has asked to stay Anonymous.

This is her story.

Please Read.

The ‘Beneath the Smile’ Project.

behind the smile

*sigh* I absolutely suck at writing, but I had to do this.

My childhood was a very fair one, we were not absolutely broke and we were not at the top either. Sometimes, we struggled, sometimes, we didn’t, I mean financially. My parents were not fighting but, my dad never really stayed with us, for work’s sake. Growing up, I never had serious prayer points. I guess my “most serious” prayer point was new clothes and shoes and stuff. I didn’t even see the need to pray about academic excellence. I still don’t see the need for that.

Okay, my story, I was raped at age 17. *sigh* I still can’t explain how fast I got over that, but honestly, my parents still don’t believe… don’t believe that I’m over it, not like I ever discussed it with them after the incident. It was in the summer of 2010 and it happened, when robbers attacked my house, I just got back from church. Apparently, I prayed before I was raped… prayed for God to have his way and avoid the act. I wouldn’t say he refused, or I didn’t have enough faith. I mean, you’re about to be raped… what sort of faith could even exist at such a time. But you know, God can’t be blamed, so I’ll still say my faith wasn’t enough.

For a while, I doubted if God really did exist… if Heaven is real, or if Hell is something one very stupid person came up with to scare her children. I honestly didn’t believe in any religion for a while.

I guess I would have been a “keep your virginity till your marriage” kind of person but, whatever… right now, I’m not a slut but I honestly don’t mind having sex. It bothers me not. But sadly, all the “boys” that claim to like me actually don’t… I mean, you have sex with them and then, they care less about you. I have not felt loved at all in my life. I don’t even believe my female friends like me. Sometimes, I think I’m a burden to everyone and so I just try to excuse myself from their businesses. Most times I look for an escape but, I have none. My escape for now is music because I don’t even know what I’m good at, what I love doing, I don’t know my talent, I don’t know myself.

My dad still does not stay with us… P.S my parents are not separated. I have an ewwwy relationship with my mum, and this is because I’m fucked up in every way. She does not have to do anything to annoy me… it hurts me to say that my own mother irritates/pisses me off most times. Please don’t misunderstand me. I really do love her but, that feeling is uncontrollable. I mean, i just find myself… Pssst, never mind! I try to take that feeling away most times but then, nothing happens.

I don’t even get myself, sorry this is more like nagging and shit… tolerate this “ME”. I have a lot in my head that I can’t comprehend by myself or even get out. I just go moody a times and I try to have that one man conversation that brings a bit of healing but nothing… my dear, nothing. I have no one to talk to because I can’t get this nothingness out of my head… so what is there to talk about. My friends complain when I go all quiet and moody and shit, but honestly, it can’t be helped *sigh* I don’t mean that I’m a very moody person, I mean… I have extreme mood issues. When I’m happy, it’s usually on the positive extreme, and when I’m moody…. negative extreme.

I probably just need a shrink. I mean, someone i don’t need to tell anything but can tell me what exactly is wrong with me, what I don’t know is wrong with me, what I need… blah blah blah.

I’m not smiling right now, so, this is beneath my straight face. 😐

• • •

Don’t just read, say a PRAYER. Go ahead. Encourage another. Pray.

A PENNY FOR YOUR THOUGHTS?

N.B. The project goes on with Tomorrow’s ’Her Story, XLI’ by an Anonymous writer

You can still send in your own true stories to obafuntay@gmail.com

You can subscribe to the blog (at the right column to follow the project, if you are viewing with your mobile, just scroll to the end of this page to subscribe)

Her Story, XXXIX

Thanks for waiting. In case you missed the preview, find it here, so you know what to expect. If you are not sure what Beneath the Smile is about, please check the preview out.

The project aims at looking beyond the smiles of the next person, to see what’s really beneath, what’s really going on? How people really need help and won’t bother saying anything about it but would rather cover it up with a façade of strength, with a smile.
It’s time to look beneath the smile and lend a helping hand. People are going through real things, these are their stories.

We hope that you’d be kind enough to leave a comment. Your feedback is important to us.

Today’s story was sent in by one of our readers who has asked to stay Anonymous.

This is his story.

Please Read.

The ‘Beneath the Smile’ Project.

behind the smile

March 31st, 2011
I was in a class, my phone rang, I checked th caller I.D and it was my dad. I ducked under the table (as a boss) to take d call…

Me: Hello Daddy, how are you? 😀
Dad: Your friend is DEAD!
Me: huh???????
Dad: Yes, Imoks just died.

I was literally speechless, my hands went numb, my whole body seemed to shut down. Next thing I remember was tears freely running down my face and everyone in class asking me what the problem was.

Let me make things clear, Imoks was just a friend/family friend/church member. He was really involved in church work, my guy slept, breathed and spoke the word of God. He exuded some sort of aura that only comes from constant communication with God. The same goes for his mom who’s a minister of God. Imoks died as a result of his crisis (Sickle cell anaemia).

Let me explain: I’ve always been a happy child, always laughing, very cheerful, and intelligent and a deep thinker. As a little child, I could ‘see’ things, whenever something was going to happen in my family, I would be the first to foresee it n SHARPLY inform my mum so she can pray about it. well that ability has disappeared though :(. First of four (4) children and I’ve e got just one sister. While growing up, we weren’t so rich, but we were well taken care of. My parents have always shown us more than enough love and done everything possible to provide for us.

My baby sister is one of the best things that has ever happened to me. She can be troublesome and mischievous (attributes I possess as well), still one just can’t help but love her. Unfortunately she was always quite sickly. She’s not ‘SS’ oh. Sometimes she would be admitted in the hospital for days and the hospital bills cost a lot, the emotional and physiological strain it was having on my parents couldn’t be over-emphasised. Because I’ve always been too mature for my age, I could see it all.

January 4th 2009,
we were getting ready for 1st sunday thanksgiving service and my baby sister had done something to irk me (as usual), I was already planning how to teach her a lesson (as I always say), my parents have never condoned me beating my younger ones sha, but all the same I still planned to beat her. I was running after her in the sitting room, she was laughing and screaming. Next thing I heard was my dad’s voice calling my name. In my head I am like ‘Daddy loves my sister more than me, he’s obviously coming to her rescue’. Well I went to his summons, I marched into his room fuming. As I entered the room, I saw d LOOK on my parents face, look of pain, suffering, my parents were both in tears, I couldn’t understand what they were crying for.

Then my mum said ‘Your sister is HIV positive’ *echos*

My head still spins everytime I remember those words.

I cried!!!
I still cry!!!
I cry cause my baby sister has done nothing to deserve such, I cry cause of the plenty drugs she has to keep taking, I cry cause of the pain it causes my parents, I cry cause I am scared for her future…
I just cryyyyyy… and I am crying as I write this 🙂

I don’t need no pity, neither does my baby sister. My parents have pulled themselves together and they stay fighting it together. It has made them hold steadfast to God and His word and as for me, I don’t know where I stand.

A part of me still believes ‘It is well’ and another part just can’t understand ‘WHY?!’
I mean my baby sister was barely 10 when it was discovered that she had HIV. Isn’t she too young to be made to suffer?

So when I received the call that Imoks was dead, I wept both for him, and for my family, I don’t want to receive another call saying that my sister is dead. Noooooo!…..Imoks had faith, he firmly believed in God and still he died of Sickle cell anaemia. I am not doubting God but its hard for me not to.

Well to God be the Glory, my sister is hale and hearty except for occasional bouts of sickness. My 2 brothers don’t know what’s going on, even my sister doesn’t know, all she knows is she takes her medication (my parents told her they are vitamins 🙂 ). I thank God for the life of my parents, they keep a smiling face but beneath their smile…

As for me, I school abroad and everytime I get a call from my parents, I dread them telling me something bad has happened. People find it extremely easy to open up to me and tell me personal things, they all think I have it easy. One guy told me recently that I’ve always had it easy. I just smiled. Because only I know how heavy my heart is…

Beneath my smile is a 19yr old, who is seeking answers..
Who doesn’t want to be told that his baby sister is dead or anything like that.

Enough of my story… Thanks to @ObaFuntAy for this ‘Beneath the Smile’ project. Until now, I’ve NEVER told anyone what exactly is in my heart. I can’t even explain how much liver I had to chop  and ‘ciking’ I had to do to myself before I could write this and all I ask for are your PRAYERS.

God bless you all 🙂

• • •

Don’t just read, say a PRAYER. Go ahead. Encourage another. Pray.

A PENNY FOR YOUR THOUGHTS?

N.B. The project goes on with Tomorrow’s  ’Her Story, XXXIX’ by an Anonymous writer

You can still send in your own true stories to obafuntay@gmail.com

You can subscribe to the blog (at the right column to follow the project, if you are viewing with your mobile, just scroll to the end of this page to subscribe)

Her Story, XXXVIII by @ladyingenous

Thanks for waiting. In case you missed the preview, find it here, so you know what to expect. If you are not sure what Beneath the Smile is about, please check the preview out.

The project aims at looking beyond the smiles of the next person, to see what’s really beneath, what’s really going on? How people really need help and won’t bother saying anything about it but would rather cover it up with a façade of strength, with a smile.
It’s time to look beneath the smile and lend a helping hand. People are going through real things, these are their stories.

We hope that you’d be kind enough to leave a comment. Your feedback is important to us.

Today’s story was sent in by one of our readers @ladyingenous

This is her story.

Please Read.

The ‘Beneath the Smile’ Project.

behind the smile

Ever felt like you’re alone in your own world? Ever felt like no one would understand no matter how much they tried?
Ever felt like something is wrong?
Ever felt you haven’t done enough?
Ever felt like giving up cause you think you can’t do it, you have given your best already?
Ever get this empty feeling like you don’t matter?
Ever felt like no matter how much you try it doesn’t get better?
Ever felt like losing hope because no matter which way you go it’s not working?
Ever felt like you’re not living you just exist. Ever felt like your dreams are more than you?
Ever felt like time is running out and nothing is happening?
Ever felt like you’re only talking it and never living it?

Well I felt all of these and much more. I felt I didn’t know which way to go cause no matter which way I went I just got stuck. I try my hands on so many things yet none gave me joy. I was confused cause my life no longer made sense to me. It felt like I was losing it and there was no one to turn to. It felt like there was absolutely no one to share this with. It felt like my troubles were eating me up. It felt like I had so many people around yet no one. It felt like everyone was running and I was standing wondering which way to go. It felt like this and it felt like that. I couldn’t even find the words to describe those feelings. They just came and when they did I just felt numb. I felt empty. I felt down. I felt indifferent. I felt lifeless.

All of those emotions and more were things I felt at a stage in my life that I couldn’t explain. I am sure you might be wondering why all of these emotions for a young girl like me. Well this is the story behind all of those emotions.

I am the second child and the first girl in my family. I lost my mum when I was ten. It was the worst thing that could have happened to me because I was not even with her when she died. I didn’t get to spend her last days with her. Prior to her death I had spent the whole of my jss1 first term holiday with her. It was horrendous having to see her in the condition she was. My mum went through a lot of pain and I had to watch all this without being able to do anything. She was diagnosed with a lot of diseases, some of which I didn’t even understand. She died while I was in school. Immediately after her death, my dad fell ill. It was like he couldn’t be strong for us so we had to be strong for him.

I lost my dad exactly 55 days after I lost my mum. When this happened, I felt so much pain that I couldn’t even cry. The pain was beyond tears so I just bottled up all of the tears. I did not cry and the tears were transformed to bitterness in me. I was bitter for as long as I could remember. I did not understand life anymore. I had lost my best friend in the whole of the world (my mum) and then I lost my dad too. It was just too much to bear.

I never talked much about it. I kept all of the bitterness in me. I was always sad though I always smiled (how ironic). The devil used it as a tool many times to keep me depressed. I would just be playing with my friends, then we would start talking about our parents and then I would just be saying “my uncle this and my uncle that” never “mum or dad”. It was very sad. It was really eating into me. I kept asking God why he had to take them. I used to feel unloved and I was always looking for love. It was always a battle to believe someone would ever love me for me. I just felt like there was no love for me anywhere. I used to feel rejected.

But then something changed. I no longer feel all of those things. I am now a hundred percent sure that someone cares. Someone greater than my imaginations. Someone my mind can’t understand or comprehend. Someone my mind drifts to when I feel all of these. He said to me I will stand by you when no one’s there. I will love you till the end of time. It might not seem like it but I am working out something great in you and through you.

You are perfect, He says. You are the most precious amongst my treasures. The very hairs on your head I know. You are engraved on my palm. I know your very make up. Those days when I’m down, I lay on my bed cover myself up and have a good cry but at the end I smile ’cause I know this person cares. I smile knowing there is hope. I smile knowing I have a friend who is greater than even a brother. I smile knowing I’m not alone.

He didn’t promise that I won’t fall but he said he will be there to catch me when I fall. He dint promise that it will be easy but He said, He will be by my side through the tough times.
He didn’t promise me a smooth road, but He said He’ll carry me through the rough ones. He didn’t promise me the whole world, but He gave me Him who owns the whole world.

Sometimes I cry at the thought of the love He has for me because I don’t understand it. Sometimes I’m afraid I can never love Him like He loves me.
Sometimes I’m afraid I will always let him down.
Sometimes I’m afraid I’m not up to the standard.

But at the end I remember,
He is not looking for a perfect person,
He is not looking for the person who has no wrong,
He is not looking for the person who has a hold of everything. All he asks is for a heart to believe Him and then trust Him. A heart to love Him not by itself but by His own love.

That’s all he asks.

That He, is God(father, son and spirit) and He is the smile beneath my smile.

• • •

Don’t just read, say a prayer.

A PENNY FOR YOUR THOUGHTS?

N.B. The project goes on with Tomorrow’s ’Her Story, XXXVIII’ by An Anonymous writer

You can still send in your own true stories to obafuntay@gmail.com

You can subscribe to the blog (at the right column to follow the project, if you are viewing with your mobile, just scroll to the end of this page to subscribe)