Her Story, XL

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The project aims at looking beyond the smiles of the next person, to see what’s really beneath, what’s really going on? How people really need help and won’t bother saying anything about it but would rather cover it up with a façade of strength, with a smile.
It’s time to look beneath the smile and lend a helping hand. People are going through real things, these are their stories.

We hope that you’d be kind enough to leave a comment. Your feedback is important to us.

Today’s story was sent in by one of our readers who has asked to stay Anonymous.

This is her story.

Please Read.

The ‘Beneath the Smile’ Project.

behind the smile

*sigh* I absolutely suck at writing, but I had to do this.

My childhood was a very fair one, we were not absolutely broke and we were not at the top either. Sometimes, we struggled, sometimes, we didn’t, I mean financially. My parents were not fighting but, my dad never really stayed with us, for work’s sake. Growing up, I never had serious prayer points. I guess my “most serious” prayer point was new clothes and shoes and stuff. I didn’t even see the need to pray about academic excellence. I still don’t see the need for that.

Okay, my story, I was raped at age 17. *sigh* I still can’t explain how fast I got over that, but honestly, my parents still don’t believe… don’t believe that I’m over it, not like I ever discussed it with them after the incident. It was in the summer of 2010 and it happened, when robbers attacked my house, I just got back from church. Apparently, I prayed before I was raped… prayed for God to have his way and avoid the act. I wouldn’t say he refused, or I didn’t have enough faith. I mean, you’re about to be raped… what sort of faith could even exist at such a time. But you know, God can’t be blamed, so I’ll still say my faith wasn’t enough.

For a while, I doubted if God really did exist… if Heaven is real, or if Hell is something one very stupid person came up with to scare her children. I honestly didn’t believe in any religion for a while.

I guess I would have been a “keep your virginity till your marriage” kind of person but, whatever… right now, I’m not a slut but I honestly don’t mind having sex. It bothers me not. But sadly, all the “boys” that claim to like me actually don’t… I mean, you have sex with them and then, they care less about you. I have not felt loved at all in my life. I don’t even believe my female friends like me. Sometimes, I think I’m a burden to everyone and so I just try to excuse myself from their businesses. Most times I look for an escape but, I have none. My escape for now is music because I don’t even know what I’m good at, what I love doing, I don’t know my talent, I don’t know myself.

My dad still does not stay with us… P.S my parents are not separated. I have an ewwwy relationship with my mum, and this is because I’m fucked up in every way. She does not have to do anything to annoy me… it hurts me to say that my own mother irritates/pisses me off most times. Please don’t misunderstand me. I really do love her but, that feeling is uncontrollable. I mean, i just find myself… Pssst, never mind! I try to take that feeling away most times but then, nothing happens.

I don’t even get myself, sorry this is more like nagging and shit… tolerate this “ME”. I have a lot in my head that I can’t comprehend by myself or even get out. I just go moody a times and I try to have that one man conversation that brings a bit of healing but nothing… my dear, nothing. I have no one to talk to because I can’t get this nothingness out of my head… so what is there to talk about. My friends complain when I go all quiet and moody and shit, but honestly, it can’t be helped *sigh* I don’t mean that I’m a very moody person, I mean… I have extreme mood issues. When I’m happy, it’s usually on the positive extreme, and when I’m moody…. negative extreme.

I probably just need a shrink. I mean, someone i don’t need to tell anything but can tell me what exactly is wrong with me, what I don’t know is wrong with me, what I need… blah blah blah.

I’m not smiling right now, so, this is beneath my straight face. 😐

• • •

Don’t just read, say a PRAYER. Go ahead. Encourage another. Pray.

A PENNY FOR YOUR THOUGHTS?

N.B. The project goes on with Tomorrow’s ’Her Story, XLI’ by an Anonymous writer

You can still send in your own true stories to obafuntay@gmail.com

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