No Gray.

*Skips rambling on why I’m never here*

*Skips the part where I promise to be more active, and then I try to but then, we are back here again*

Good! Now that I’ve been able to get that over with, I’ll like to write on why this is up, not like I’ll be doing much writing anyway. I have work pending that wouldn’t get done by itself, but I needed a break and thought I should stop by here. Yay.

black or white

It’s been quite a year already. I really was going to do a quick review on how 2014 panned out for me, but you see, the way this procrastination thing is set up, that couldn’t happen. I’ve struggled with a couple of things, and doing pretty good in some other areas. I’m thankful for that. I have learned a few things about myself and like to think that I just might have grown up a little too.

One area I’ve been struggling in? You mean asides procrastination?

Ha, I’m not sure I know how to put it down right, with my words. However, this is why this is up. I listened to ‘No Gray” for the very first time by Jonathan McReynolds and he couldn’t have helped any better than this to talk about this long time struggle.

Now, this isn’t a post claiming that I have found out exactly how to end this struggle or me figuring things out and now knowing what to do or how to do things; this is just a song I can relate to. This is how I feel and frankly, I’m exhausted.

You can listen to the song here if you don’t know it already. I have also typed out most of it below (actually, copy and paste) to help save your data or if you just can’t give it a listen now. Here you go:

Cause I feel like at some point in everybody’s life, We feel like this:

Lord I’m split in two
Part of me loves the world
And the other loves You
So what do I do
I wanna be saved
But I got to stay cool too
And no I’m not a fool
I know eventually I’m gonna have to choose
And really I don’t wanna lose
My ticket into heaven
And a chance to be used by You

And if it’s God that I’m after
I can’t serve two masters
And before something happens
I got to turn it all around
Because I know
I can’t just have my cake and eat it too
Cause it’s real easy to stay on the fence and still do you
And it’d be cool if we could love the Lord and still go do our thing
But see it doesn’t work like that
You gotta to be white or black

Lord see I’ve realized
when it comes to sin
You just don’t compromise
It’s a matter of death and life
Be weak and do wrong
Or be strong and do right
And I don’t wanna keep going to church
Singing all about how much You’re worth
And then continue doing my dirt
Living as if I didn’t care if You’re hurt

If it’s God we’re after
I just can’t serve two masters
And before something happens
I got to turn it all around
Because you know
I can’t just have my cake and eat it too

Cause it’s really easy to stay on the fence and still do you
And it’d be cool if we could love the Lord and still go do our thing
But see it don’t work like that
You gotta be white or black

Cause it don’t work like that
You gotta pick white or black

No Gray
No shades of gray

Don’t work like that
You gotta be white or black.

Bonne nuit.

Crush(ed)

This is an old post I wrote on Alariwo a long while ago.

I thought I’d put it up here too.

bottlesea

Seat 51,
Eurostar,
London-Greece,
April 20th, 1993.

I never thought I’d have to write a note such as this. It’s not what I’d think to write, get all soppy and mushy. I have always seen the world through my dark shades and put a sieve to everything I hear.

I have never really enjoyed music and when I did, they were depressing, morbid songs, sufficient in lyrics of loss, the winds and storms of life and broken heartedness. There couldn’t be more to life and I was sure. I had to be right. I enjoyed dark places; I found my art in and through tears.

I had become friends with loneliness. My ever faithful lover; we hung out in the dark and on wooden benches beside leafless trees. I took her on walks, we wrote together, every day, side by side. She was my muse. Anytime I got sad or felt angry, she was there to comfort me with a pen and paper. I fell in love with writing, how she made it easy to manipulate words and create art.

Then you happened…

Dressed in white, you looked summertime fine,
My heart would race and stop racing,
Skip a beat, beat a little faster and then slower,
all at the same time.

I no longer sat on that bench alone,
A leaf sprouted by day and two by sunset,
Day by day, my muse, I lost.
Every fiber of my being wanted you.

You made me want to dance,
I do not know how to,
But you made my feet move, anyway.
To paint the clouds, seemed possible.

Your laugh was music to my ears.
I want to be funny, just so I hear it again.
It’s like the movies,
Slow scenes and background music.

Let’s dance forever.

I’d pick up a pen and write of butterflies and happy people, happy endings and forever after, of rainbows and of planes and of trips across oceans with you.
We’d start with Greece, just like you always wanted.

Or so I thought…

It’s been 3 years now, when the drunken driver took you away from me, I shouldn’t have called you. I really just wanted to say I love you; Alas, I never got the chance to say goodbye. I’m left with the echoes of your scream, before the line got cut. I prayed to have you back, but some prayers go unanswered. It haunts me each night. I never sleep.

I’m writing again, taking walks again; the leaves have fallen off, I don’t see the rainbows again, and I could never paint the clouds now, not without you.

I take a train to Greece every year, to walk on the beach and drop in another letter; this letter.
I hope they sail your way, into heaven where you belong.

I’m with her again, my former lover, my ever faithful lover. Her grip even firmer, she’s never letting me go, not this time.

But…
I love you, always.

#31Thanks

So, I thought it should be a good idea to publish all the 31 things I have been thankful for through the month of July, on here. I had tweeted them with the hashtag #31Thanks and I’m glad that I did.

Anyway, here goes:

IMG_3141-thankful

1: Today, I’m thankful for the first half of this year. It’s been tough but I have been learning to be tougher. #31Thanks

2: Today, I’m thankful for the “once upon a time strangers” that walk right into your life just when you need them. #31Thanks

3: Thankful for the times I have failed and the rejection emails that keep pushing me to get and be better.

4: Today, I am thankful for my parents.

5: Thankful for second chances and those who gave me another shot, another chance. Second chances can never be overrated.

6: Today, I’m thankful for the Internet; the opportunities it presents & how it brings friends who are miles away, a bit closer.

7: Thankful for the few friends who understand me and know my shortcomings; but stick around anyway.

8: Today, I’m thankful for this.

Smile Care Retreat '14

9: Today, I’m thankful for the projects (at work) I could finally finish today.

10: Today, I’m thankful for the gift of now. Not just the better days ahead / what the future has to offer. But, now. This minute.

11: Today, I’m thankful for the call I just received from Iya Agege. Some people never forget the little things. .

12: I’m thankful for d little things like being able to breathe w/little or no stress. I couldn’t tweet this, this time last year.

13: Today, I’m thankful for the service at church. A word in time does a whole lot of good. .

14: Today, I’m just thankful for food because let’s face it, food makes me happy.

15: Today, I’m thankful for laughter. Nothing is better than a good laugh. Thankful for the things and people who make me laugh.

16: Today, I’m thankful for my place after a day at work and it’s tranquility.

17: Never been good w/the rain; I have a cold but still, you cannot but be thankful for rain. Today, I’m thankful for just that.

18: Today, I’m thankful for God’s grace as I passed my CISA exams with a good score too. It’s been a grace filled year so far.

19: Today, I’m thankful for the success of ‘s Retreat 2014 and the new friends we all got to make and meet. .

20: Today, I’m thankful for my mother. She is stronger than I know and wiser than I think. .

21: Today, I’m thankful for the little break of days I get off work this week. .

22: Today, I’m thankful for noodles and how quick they get done when this hunger is no longer joking.

23: Today, I’m thankful for music. Good music, because she’ll always be there. .

24: Today, I’m thankful for peace of mind; which I find these days thru trust in God. I’ll take that any day over everything else.

25: Today, I’m thankful for the bad dreams that stay as bad dreams. Sleeping and waking to a new day is really a miracle.

26: Today, I’m thankful for my friends. It’s always a holiday with them around.

27: Today, I’m thankful for Sunday naps. On days like this, it’s a beautiful thing.

28: Today, I’m thankful for long weekends. Do I really need to explain why? It’s a Monday and I got to go to the movies. .

29: Today, I’m thankful for Family who just landed safely into the country; with the recent happenings. I better be thankful.

30: Today, I’m thankful for the meh days like today; I’ll be sure to appreciate the better days ahead even better.

31: Thankful for the month of July; all 31 days and the many reasons I’ve had to be thankful. Thankful for for starting

________________________________________________________________________

Taking time out to be thankful for something or someone everyday through the month of July has been refreshing for me.

It’s August!

What and who are you thankful for? Tell us!

There has to be something or someone.

But then, this is what I think, what do I know?

In His Hands

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In His Hands

Before all is said and after all is done.

He remains the only Faithful One. The only Faithful God.

So wisdom only demands that I be,

In His Hands.

Where would you rather be?

My sheep listen to my voice; I know them, and they follow me. I give them eternal life, and they shall never perish; no one can snatch them out of my hand. My Father, who has given them to me, is greater than all; no one can snatch them out of my Father’s hand. – John 10: 27-29

A ramble in time.

 

photo(7)

Days have come, nights have gone and on one of many nights,

I took a walk down memory lane,
Through the boulevard of erstwhile
In possession of this fragile heart,
Forbidden were these territories

The trees dripped of nostalgic waters,
The paths paved with broken dreams,
The ‘what ifs’ ever resounding,
The echoes of words, left unsaid

As I trudge on…

I dabble in a puddle of regret,
There is melancholy in the air
And the gutters reek of apostasy,
The streets littered with once upon a time, friends.

You see, time is a thief,
In hind sight, I see clearly,
Alas, through the eyes of grief,
Its cost, I pay for, dearly.

Like Delilah, you frolic in her arms,
And with words so woven in deceit
With her promise to stay,
You forget those who matter.

Why I started writing this? In all honesty, I’m not sure.
Maybe I just needed to put something up on here, as it’s been eons ago that I did so.
Maybe it’s because I really did not know if I could still do this, so I thought I’d give it a shot, anyway.
Maybe it’s because, a once upon a time friend, could read this and forgive me for being such a negligent friend.

I really don’t know.

But one thing, I’m pretty certain about, is that day and night would surely come and at night, in the screaming silence, I’m left with my thoughts and can only hope that these roads I travel, take me to where I want to go.

I’ve come to terms with the truth that no matter how hard I try, I try in futility to hurry the sunrise. So when the days do come and surely they shall, I pray they come easy and the moments they bring, linger.

Yesterday, I walked like a naïve baby, into fire and got burnt.
Today, I know not to walk into one, not to get burnt.
Yesterday, I sailed through the seas of worriment
Today, I walk through the shores of serenity.
Yesterday, I was that sick lad with broom legs.
Today, I’m thankful for each breath.
Yesterday, I saw family turn their back on me.
Today, I appreciate the friend who stayed and became family.

Time after time, my futile attempts to forget my past have worn me out… so, I stop trying and instead, look for a haven for them, not forgetting who I was yesterday or the path I walked on as they have in totality carved who I become, today.

But then, this is what I think, what do I know?

The Edge

Emike-shoott

Here.
The beginning.

A story of boy meet girl.

Hold my hand, dance with me.
He said.
I don’t normally dance,
She said.

‘Come closer, hear my heartbeat.’
Linga.
Linga.
Ling.
A brick fell, and yet another.

I’ll dance, she said. Let’s dance.
To the left, to the right.
Hands to her waist, hands across his neck.
Seems unreal, lost in a trance.

‘Let’s take a walk,’
Where?
‘Trust me’
Lol. I don’t trust anyone

‘Follow me’, I’ll follow you.
Brick by brick, he took them down.
An avalanche hit.
A fall, greater than Humpty Dumpty’s

But then,

A beast was born
One, no one ever saw.
See something good, destroy it.
This beast, voices within, had won.

How you take the one you love,
to the edge and not just leave her there,
but shoot her, right there, in the heart.
she never saw it coming.

Wide eyed, she fell, reaching out.

I’m sorry.

Dance again?