Welcome to the second project on obafuntaydotcom, The Letter to my unborn child project. If you missed the preview, you can view it here, just so you have an idea what we are up to, as much as the project title, speaks for itself.

Ever thought of writing a letter? Better still, a letter to your unborn child?

What would you name him/her? Why not give your unborn child a name now and write him/her a letter? Yes! Right now! Doesn’t sound like a bad idea to me.

What do you think?

Today, we’d be reading Kelvin’s letter.

Hang in there.

Kelvin’s Letter

Letter to that nigga

Lol…I’m an idiot.

Mostly because the whole concept of writing a letter to an imagined being is borderline ridiculous and I’m an Idiot for engaging in this. No, let’s be real, I mean how on earth are you going to see this? Do you think I’m going to save this link somewhere and then be like “Yo, my nigga, I wrote some shit for you before you was born, wanna check it out?”

Hell No!

Do you think I want you to see my twitter username? Oh so you can go on the TL and see what manner of douche your dad was? Nah fam, I’m too smart for that. You ain’t smarter than me, you’ve gotta remember that. I shall always be a step ahead or behind you if I need to slap you upside the head. You know, reset your thinking mechanism if need be. Don’t worry, you’ll understand what slaps are as you go on in this race called life.

I’ve read so many people write letters to their unborn kids and I’m just wondering what grade of coca these niggas be sniffing. Some go on like “you are so beautiful, bla bla, the fuck bla” Who are they fooling though? They don’t even know what their kids gon’ look like!!! Just imagine if Segun Arinze had written such a letter. Listen, these letter writers are the ones that become parents and lie to their kids that they came first in school. If you cannot be honest with your kids about their aesthetic features, you might as well hush up and stop lying to them. Ah mean, the lil runts aren’t born yet and you’s already lying to their unformed ass.

Listen my nigga, I ain’t going lie to you ok? If you don’t take my Taye Diggs looks, that’s ok. Just don’t look like 2Chainz or Flava Flav, if you’re anything like that, don’t just come out. I know you ain’t gon’ be like that tho cos I’m doing all I can to make sure I get a mum for you that looks something close to Megan Good or better (OMG!!!! TELL ME YOU SAW WHAT I DID THERE…then again don’t cos that would mean I’m conversing with an imagined entity and this will make me insane)  however, these Nigerian chics be making things hard but not to worry, I’m on top of the situation.  Not the jersey shore ‘situation’ you perv! Ugh!!!

Oh! Oh! Can you imagine, you must be wondering why I’m addressing you like a dude when there’s the possibility of you coming out without a penis.  Listen aii, it don’t matter if you’re a dude or a dudette, you’re still gon’ be my nigga whichever way.  I haven’t given much thought to what I’ll name you because trends change. You see, I’m sorta like David Beckham and Kanye West so you might be getting a name like “Seven”, “North West” or whatever fad is reigning at the time of your birth. See if you were born now, I’ll probably call you “back”…you know so, when people say “call back” you get all sorts of popular nshit.  You’re welcome.

Dear God, am I really writing this shit?

Now, y’all punks be talking about how y’all are going to be there for your kids and what not. But my nigga, who is your dealer for real? The kid ain’t even born yet and you’re promising to be there all the time? And then you wonder why some kids grow up and lose trust for their folks? Listen young’un, I doubt I’m going to be there for you so much ya know, like I’m gon’ be around at home n shit but there’s this place called work and it’s where responsible people go so they can get money to pay for yo shit. If I don’t go, you cry, and when you cry, yo momma gets a headache and gives me grief and we don’t want daddy having grief cos when daddy gets grieved, things like Rihanna ft Eminem happen.

I’m a nice guy. Many people might call me psycho but haaayyyyy I’m not the one writing a letter to someone who won’t see it? Who’s the psycho now?  Then again, I am actually writing this. But is it a letter if I don’t address it to anyone? Haha, no. so there, this could just be an anonymous rant nshit. I swear I’m really not psycho.

You guys though, I really commend your writing. I’ve read some of the letters and y’all are so eloquent and sweet and stuff, it brings tears to my eyes and warmth to my heart. I read all the flowery things you say to your unborn kids and y’all make a brotha wanna go out there and pull an Angelina Jolie with the whole of Ethiopia but nah, y’all are just meh. You’re still gonna konk sense into that child at some point, did you prepare ‘em for that? You’re still going to tell em to “ride okada” on the side of the wall if he messes up, Y’all are going to threaten ‘em with “if I hear pim…” and then use the dreaded “Let your father come home first…” to break every bold bone in their body. LOOOL

It’s cool though, don’t mind me.

As for you kid; stay where you are ok? You gats wait till I get to the US before you think of coming out. I can’t go through the stress of procuring visa for you.

Your nigga.

A PENNY FOR YOUR THOUGHTS?

You can send in your own written letters to obafuntay@gmail.com

I’d like to take a moment here, to appreciate everyone who has taken the trouble of opening post links, reading letters, sharing, writing your own letters and keeping this project going. You guys are awesome!

{The option to send in letters closes today. Letters received after today, would not be published. Thank you} 

N.B. The project goes on tomorrow, with @BiolaJinadu‘s letter.

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