An empty vessel;
That’s what I’ve been feeling like since I learnt that I could never have children.
My womb was damaged, they said.
Only, it’s not just my womb. It’s me.
I’m a damaged woman.
I will never be able to do the one thing I grew up looking forward to.
I will never feel the joy of holding my own baby to my chest.
I will never look at anybody and think “I birthed that one”
That joy in calling someone mine and knowing;
That indeed, they are mine.
Growing up as an only child, I always wanted a daughter
I yearned for the days when I’d relieve my youth days to her
And make sure she learnt from my mistakes
Those days will never come now
I don’t need your pity
I’ve had enough of that.
I saw it in the doctor’s eyes as he broke the bad news to me
That rainy afternoon, five years ago.
The day I last felt any form of happiness
I see it in my mother’s eyes, she’s heartbroken too
She’ll never have a grandchild; poor woman.
But I see it most in the eyes of my husband
Though he tries to hide it from me
I see that look in his eyes each time he sees a child
Many nights he held me while I cried and begged him to leave me
I’d say to him ‘go and have children with someone else, mike,
I’m the barren one’ and he’d just hold me silently until I fell asleep.
He is my strength; I’d never have gone through this without him.
Maybe in the near future when we are emotionally balanced,
We’d consider adoption.
Let’s give a moment to those women that can never bear children…
And to the husbands that stick by their wives regardless of their inabilities to have children.
Although this is fictionally written, we cannot deny the fact that there are married women going through this same perplexity and feeling of void, who have not been able to birth children over time, after a perceived ‘okay’ number of years, who are stigmatized as the family outcast. There have been cases of the husband going ahead to take in a second wife usually with the backing of his family all in the bid to keep the family name going, at least that’s the excuse they seem to all use.
So, #QuickQuestion 1: Why are we always so quick to think it’s the woman at fault and usually never think it’s the man who can’t groom perfect swimmers? Or the one who just keep shooting blanks?
#QuickQuestion 2: What next for a couple who can’t have children on their own doing?
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