Her Story, XL

Thanks for waiting. In case you missed the preview, find it here, so you know what to expect. If you are not sure what Beneath the Smile is about, please check the preview out.

The project aims at looking beyond the smiles of the next person, to see what’s really beneath, what’s really going on? How people really need help and won’t bother saying anything about it but would rather cover it up with a façade of strength, with a smile.
It’s time to look beneath the smile and lend a helping hand. People are going through real things, these are their stories.

We hope that you’d be kind enough to leave a comment. Your feedback is important to us.

Today’s story was sent in by one of our readers who has asked to stay Anonymous.

This is her story.

Please Read.

The ‘Beneath the Smile’ Project.

behind the smile

*sigh* I absolutely suck at writing, but I had to do this.

My childhood was a very fair one, we were not absolutely broke and we were not at the top either. Sometimes, we struggled, sometimes, we didn’t, I mean financially. My parents were not fighting but, my dad never really stayed with us, for work’s sake. Growing up, I never had serious prayer points. I guess my “most serious” prayer point was new clothes and shoes and stuff. I didn’t even see the need to pray about academic excellence. I still don’t see the need for that.

Okay, my story, I was raped at age 17. *sigh* I still can’t explain how fast I got over that, but honestly, my parents still don’t believe… don’t believe that I’m over it, not like I ever discussed it with them after the incident. It was in the summer of 2010 and it happened, when robbers attacked my house, I just got back from church. Apparently, I prayed before I was raped… prayed for God to have his way and avoid the act. I wouldn’t say he refused, or I didn’t have enough faith. I mean, you’re about to be raped… what sort of faith could even exist at such a time. But you know, God can’t be blamed, so I’ll still say my faith wasn’t enough.

For a while, I doubted if God really did exist… if Heaven is real, or if Hell is something one very stupid person came up with to scare her children. I honestly didn’t believe in any religion for a while.

I guess I would have been a “keep your virginity till your marriage” kind of person but, whatever… right now, I’m not a slut but I honestly don’t mind having sex. It bothers me not. But sadly, all the “boys” that claim to like me actually don’t… I mean, you have sex with them and then, they care less about you. I have not felt loved at all in my life. I don’t even believe my female friends like me. Sometimes, I think I’m a burden to everyone and so I just try to excuse myself from their businesses. Most times I look for an escape but, I have none. My escape for now is music because I don’t even know what I’m good at, what I love doing, I don’t know my talent, I don’t know myself.

My dad still does not stay with us… P.S my parents are not separated. I have an ewwwy relationship with my mum, and this is because I’m fucked up in every way. She does not have to do anything to annoy me… it hurts me to say that my own mother irritates/pisses me off most times. Please don’t misunderstand me. I really do love her but, that feeling is uncontrollable. I mean, i just find myself… Pssst, never mind! I try to take that feeling away most times but then, nothing happens.

I don’t even get myself, sorry this is more like nagging and shit… tolerate this “ME”. I have a lot in my head that I can’t comprehend by myself or even get out. I just go moody a times and I try to have that one man conversation that brings a bit of healing but nothing… my dear, nothing. I have no one to talk to because I can’t get this nothingness out of my head… so what is there to talk about. My friends complain when I go all quiet and moody and shit, but honestly, it can’t be helped *sigh* I don’t mean that I’m a very moody person, I mean… I have extreme mood issues. When I’m happy, it’s usually on the positive extreme, and when I’m moody…. negative extreme.

I probably just need a shrink. I mean, someone i don’t need to tell anything but can tell me what exactly is wrong with me, what I don’t know is wrong with me, what I need… blah blah blah.

I’m not smiling right now, so, this is beneath my straight face. 😐

• • •

Don’t just read, say a PRAYER. Go ahead. Encourage another. Pray.


N.B. The project goes on with Tomorrow’s ’Her Story, XLI’ by an Anonymous writer

You can still send in your own true stories to obafuntay@gmail.com

You can subscribe to the blog (at the right column to follow the project, if you are viewing with your mobile, just scroll to the end of this page to subscribe)

22 thoughts on “Her Story, XL

  1. Hmmmmm *sigh* All I’m gonna say is the Lord is your strength ..Don’t loose hope on him…You alone can solve your own problem..by making some set of decisions for yourself and be determined to go by it….but all in all…PRAY HARD

  2. You didn’t get raped because you didn’t have enough faith. You need to forgive yourself if you think it’s your fault. It isn’t.
    Everything that happens in life happens for a reason.
    I can understand your relationship (or lack of it with your mum). It’s almost like mine

  3. My dear you can go on like this, its not too good for you health. Invite Christ into your life and He will make things turn around for your good.

  4. I feel for u but I know that u will come out of this state. U still don’t have a choice but to go back to the Creator of ur life. U need to pour out the hurts, pains, the nothingness feeling, everything, just between u and Him. Do this sincerely & u’ll surprised at the comfort, hope, strength, feeling of worth & the actual worth he gives & will give u. U have something the devil wants badly that’s why he will fight to keep u sad but u must refuse vehemently & persistently to give him that pleasure. I see u succeeding greatly & having real smiles & laughs in Jesus name!

  5. I feel everything this girl is saying… like those moments when u are extremely happy and the blink of an eye, a thought or sumin crossed my mind and im ready to slash open a vein… I wish I had the answer to ur problem but all I ca say is do what makes you happy. in the end, you’re the one dealing wit it.

  6. The number one solution to every challenge is your understanding of the situation you in. You already identify some hitch in your life and i believe you desire a change.Why not surrender all to God, He wants you,His desires for you are of good and not the one you experiencing now. Why not give God a chance for a new name. I pray Heavenly Father uphold you IJN. Amen

  7. Have you heard what that song writer said that”What a friend we have in Jesus, all our sins and grief to bear,what a privilege to carry, everything to God in prayer, o! what peace we often forfeit, o! what needless pain we bear,all because we do not carry, everything to GOD IN PRAYERS”. Just take a deep breath, look up to Him with your inner eye and voice out all to Him,don’t be in a hurry, hold on,and you will hear that small still voice! Sis you can’t miss it!!! God bless you REAL GOOD! AMEN!!!!

  8. we are in the crazy world may God pls come to our resued. ijust feel we need more of the god in our lives, to help us in our odd of life.

  9. Hey, so I know its 2014 and yh I am just reading it now. I hope you are fine or working towards being fine. So I know someone who was raped 9 going on 10 by her babysitter and 10 going on 11 by her dad, right now she is a poet, she goes about telling her story and she is celebrated today bcos she agreed to go under God’s surgical knife so He could fix her. So no 1 is saying it would be easy but what makes the difference is how the story ends. It could either be a success story or story of defeat and u re d determinant of how it will end. The person I was talking about is Janet Ikz (genetics) and u can try to listen to her spoken word “the truth without photoshop” God wants to exchange ur ashes and give you beauty and all He needs for you is to accept His love. Be a prisoner of hope and never stop believing things will get better. There are a lot of people that are going through what u went through and your story,the decisions u took after ur fall might just be all they need to pull through.

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