Her Story, XXXVIII by @ladyingenous

Thanks for waiting. In case you missed the preview, find it here, so you know what to expect. If you are not sure what Beneath the Smile is about, please check the preview out.

The project aims at looking beyond the smiles of the next person, to see what’s really beneath, what’s really going on? How people really need help and won’t bother saying anything about it but would rather cover it up with a façade of strength, with a smile.
It’s time to look beneath the smile and lend a helping hand. People are going through real things, these are their stories.

We hope that you’d be kind enough to leave a comment. Your feedback is important to us.

Today’s story was sent in by one of our readers @ladyingenous

This is her story.

Please Read.

The ‘Beneath the Smile’ Project.

behind the smile

Ever felt like you’re alone in your own world? Ever felt like no one would understand no matter how much they tried?
Ever felt like something is wrong?
Ever felt you haven’t done enough?
Ever felt like giving up cause you think you can’t do it, you have given your best already?
Ever get this empty feeling like you don’t matter?
Ever felt like no matter how much you try it doesn’t get better?
Ever felt like losing hope because no matter which way you go it’s not working?
Ever felt like you’re not living you just exist. Ever felt like your dreams are more than you?
Ever felt like time is running out and nothing is happening?
Ever felt like you’re only talking it and never living it?

Well I felt all of these and much more. I felt I didn’t know which way to go cause no matter which way I went I just got stuck. I try my hands on so many things yet none gave me joy. I was confused cause my life no longer made sense to me. It felt like I was losing it and there was no one to turn to. It felt like there was absolutely no one to share this with. It felt like my troubles were eating me up. It felt like I had so many people around yet no one. It felt like everyone was running and I was standing wondering which way to go. It felt like this and it felt like that. I couldn’t even find the words to describe those feelings. They just came and when they did I just felt numb. I felt empty. I felt down. I felt indifferent. I felt lifeless.

All of those emotions and more were things I felt at a stage in my life that I couldn’t explain. I am sure you might be wondering why all of these emotions for a young girl like me. Well this is the story behind all of those emotions.

I am the second child and the first girl in my family. I lost my mum when I was ten. It was the worst thing that could have happened to me because I was not even with her when she died. I didn’t get to spend her last days with her. Prior to her death I had spent the whole of my jss1 first term holiday with her. It was horrendous having to see her in the condition she was. My mum went through a lot of pain and I had to watch all this without being able to do anything. She was diagnosed with a lot of diseases, some of which I didn’t even understand. She died while I was in school. Immediately after her death, my dad fell ill. It was like he couldn’t be strong for us so we had to be strong for him.

I lost my dad exactly 55 days after I lost my mum. When this happened, I felt so much pain that I couldn’t even cry. The pain was beyond tears so I just bottled up all of the tears. I did not cry and the tears were transformed to bitterness in me. I was bitter for as long as I could remember. I did not understand life anymore. I had lost my best friend in the whole of the world (my mum) and then I lost my dad too. It was just too much to bear.

I never talked much about it. I kept all of the bitterness in me. I was always sad though I always smiled (how ironic). The devil used it as a tool many times to keep me depressed. I would just be playing with my friends, then we would start talking about our parents and then I would just be saying “my uncle this and my uncle that” never “mum or dad”. It was very sad. It was really eating into me. I kept asking God why he had to take them. I used to feel unloved and I was always looking for love. It was always a battle to believe someone would ever love me for me. I just felt like there was no love for me anywhere. I used to feel rejected.

But then something changed. I no longer feel all of those things. I am now a hundred percent sure that someone cares. Someone greater than my imaginations. Someone my mind can’t understand or comprehend. Someone my mind drifts to when I feel all of these. He said to me I will stand by you when no one’s there. I will love you till the end of time. It might not seem like it but I am working out something great in you and through you.

You are perfect, He says. You are the most precious amongst my treasures. The very hairs on your head I know. You are engraved on my palm. I know your very make up. Those days when I’m down, I lay on my bed cover myself up and have a good cry but at the end I smile ’cause I know this person cares. I smile knowing there is hope. I smile knowing I have a friend who is greater than even a brother. I smile knowing I’m not alone.

He didn’t promise that I won’t fall but he said he will be there to catch me when I fall. He dint promise that it will be easy but He said, He will be by my side through the tough times.
He didn’t promise me a smooth road, but He said He’ll carry me through the rough ones. He didn’t promise me the whole world, but He gave me Him who owns the whole world.

Sometimes I cry at the thought of the love He has for me because I don’t understand it. Sometimes I’m afraid I can never love Him like He loves me.
Sometimes I’m afraid I will always let him down.
Sometimes I’m afraid I’m not up to the standard.

But at the end I remember,
He is not looking for a perfect person,
He is not looking for the person who has no wrong,
He is not looking for the person who has a hold of everything. All he asks is for a heart to believe Him and then trust Him. A heart to love Him not by itself but by His own love.

That’s all he asks.

That He, is God(father, son and spirit) and He is the smile beneath my smile.

• • •

Don’t just read, say a prayer.

A PENNY FOR YOUR THOUGHTS?

N.B. The project goes on with Tomorrow’s ’Her Story, XXXVIII’ by An Anonymous writer

You can still send in your own true stories to obafuntay@gmail.com

You can subscribe to the blog (at the right column to follow the project, if you are viewing with your mobile, just scroll to the end of this page to subscribe)

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10 thoughts on “Her Story, XXXVIII by @ladyingenous

  1. Inspiring… Success or breakthrough in life, or dream realization does not happen because one has a father on earth, but because one has The Heavenly Father… And Progress is not a function of earthly friends, but having Jesus has an everlasting Friend… Rough circumstances can’t break the man, but make him.

  2. What a story!!! It is clear that parents mean a hold wide world for the children, however, when they are dead as narrated in the story, God automatically takes over. He knows how to keep his own. What a friend we have in Jesus

  3. He said i am d way d truth and life thank God you fined him my dear you now have every thing you are a living testimony

  4. Often times I ve seen people in similar situations, dependent on one person/thing and God takes them/it away and……
    One thing that is common to such situations is dat God wants you to be dependent on Him! D good thing about her story is dat she has found peace in Him. Hence He said, ” Come unto Me, all those dat labour and are heavy laden (depressed, burdened, deprived, bereaved etc), and I will give you rest”. If you are in a similar situation, why don’t you go to Him (Jesus). You are sure to find solution and succor!
    Girlfriend, your light has began to shine and will never go dim again IJMN. Amen!

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