Her Story, I

Thanks for waiting. In case you missed the preview, find it here, so you know what to expect. If you are not sure what Beneath the Smile is about, please check the preview out.

The project aims at looking beyond the smiles of the next person, to see what’s really beneath, what’s really going on? How people really need help and won’t bother saying anything about it but would rather cover it up with a façade of strength, with a smile.
It’s time to look beneath the smile and lend a helping hand. People are going through real things, these are their stories.

We hope that you’d be kind enough to leave a comment. Your feedback is important to us.

Today’s story was sent in by one of our readers and has chosen to remain Anonymous. This is her story.

Please Read.

The ‘Beneath the Smile’ Project.

behind the smile

Here goes;

It started one night when I was 5 years old at least that’s the earliest I can remember.

I heard my mom screaming in distress “Oluwatomi! Tomiiiii!  Help me!!” I ran to the room she shared with my dad, and what I saw changed the course of my life. My dad was on top of her strangling her and beating her, slaps, blows, and the like.

My 5-year-old brain told me I had to help her, so I tried to drag my dad’s hands off her, and crying I kept on screaming don’t hurt my mommy, leave my mommy alone. After what seemed like forever he got off her and stormed out of the room.

I hugged my mommy so tight and she couldn’t do the same, she looked lost, so frail and she whispered “it will be alright” through streams of tears.

This continued in different ways, other times my dad venting his frustration on my little brother and me.

I would go to school with bruises and marks and when my friends asked, I’d tell them I fell.

You see, my mother is a very beautiful woman, and my father is a very insecure man so he tried to dominate us all though physical violence. The slightest frustration he had from work would be vented on us.

This continued in different forms till I turned sixteen. He apparently “found God” and has even gone on to become a pastor. He has apologized too. But it’s like a broken egg that can’t be pieced back together.

Although there was never a form of sexual abuse, I still have scars and memories of the beatings. I’d sit down and have flashbacks.

I’m 20 now, and I’ve had 2 boyfriends who I refused to have any form of intimacy with simply because I still can’t bring myself to understand that there can actually be love without violence. So after a few weeks, both relationships have ended and I refused to open up to them.

I find myself living in a topsy-turvy emotional state, One day I’m “happy” the next I’m close to depression.

I try to help others hoping I can help myself too, but to little avail. Along the line, I’ve also become a Christian and I’m beginning to grasp the depth and truth behind letting go, and forgiving and accepting and giving love.

But the insecurities still linger,
My body still bears the scars,
my memory never lets me forget,
I want to love, I want to laugh,
I want to have joy,

Instead, I cry myself to sleep at night but I wake up the next morning and hide it all beneath the smile.

I need help.

Advice me.

• • •

THANKS FOR READING.

A PENNY FOR YOUR THOUGHTS?

N.B. The project goes on with  ‘Her Story, II’ by @TheSilentMaeve

You can still send in your own true stories to obafuntay@gmail.com

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20 thoughts on “Her Story, I

  1. oh dear, i feel ur pain it tuk me an altar call nd a cordial work wit God wit total submission to get over my own pain anytym its gets d beta part of me. jst focus on God let go of all d grudges u hold against ur dad. cuz trust me if u dont forgive him u will continue to feel d pain nd wont b able to kip any relationship 4 longer dan u av kept d last two. God bless u hun, will remember u in my prayers.

  2. The thing is that u hv 2 let go of everything dt has happen to u in d past… Make gud friends dat u can learn frm and can as well learn frm u. Don’t jump into relationship… Start by making friends to dem first. start frm somewr 2day… Don’t jst kill ur sef wt depression… My prayer is dt u will get over it in Jesus name.

  3. I really do understand your pain… Those experiences wouldn’t fade off your memory any time soon/ever. But what you’ve got to understand is that. If u use the experience of your parents to justify/picture your relationship u give theirs the power. To decide your own faith. Its good your dad Found Christ and you also, go to him in prayers for his intervention and guidance. All would be well.

  4. i knw its difficult buh u jst hv 2 forgive him, not 4 him buh 4 u. its reali difficult buh it takes the grace of God. I pray 4 dat grace upon u IJN. It is well :*

  5. i am glad u are a christian so some of the things i would ve wanted to say wont b new to u. first u need to understand Gods love for u, its dis understanding that ll bring light to ur life. pls read eph3:19, 1jn3:10-18, Gods love 4 u is all encompassing, once u understand it, u ll begin to walk in it. dats d root of christianity. i pray dat God will help u find his love 4 u. God bless.

  6. Dear friend and sister, I believe I can call you that, av gone through similar experience also but what helped me out is finding God’s love, this burden can destroy future, thank God you said you are now a christian, do mi a favour, av a heart to heart sincere talk with God, mind you, He listens, hears & answers then consciously hand it over to him, opportunities will arise to think about it again and thereby get hurt again but ask Holy Ghost to give you strenght to handle it, its well, start with understanding his love for you & then love yourself, you are a special breed & specially loved by God, He loves you the same way He loves Jesus

  7. Hmmm!! Som hw scary 2 me. Luk girl 2 hav peace in lyf is 2 4give b’cos wen u 4give u free ur mind n u wil always think ahead always. Tank God u are a christian remember watz Jesus, he said if we do not 4give our heavenly father wil nt always 4give us. Nw ask ursef 4giving ur father or going 2 hell which 1 do u prefer. I understand it nt easy bt try n pray u wil find out gradually u find an inner joy. If u notice dis probllem is d source of ur own problem wit men so try ur best,wit God all tins are possible n pls don’t date 2 men @ a tym. U r a christian pray 2 God 2 send ur husband 2 u. Gud luck n I pray u find d joy, in d presence of GOD is fulness of JOY.

  8. i think its time to let go of the hurt and the pain…do not let it control your future.
    there’s a saying that goes:
    Laugh so hard that sorrow smiles at you, Fight so strong that fate accepts defeat and love so hard that hatred walks out of the way 🙂 ….Be Strong and Pray about it too

  9. Well, I know someone who went thru a similar experience. So I know It’s totally possible for u to get over d sad xperience. Try replacing those bad memories with good ones. And since u sed ure already graspin d truth abt forgiveness ‘n letting go, I tink ur on ur way to recovery. Just be patient wit urself ‘n get to know God more. Soon u’ll have completely forgiven ur dad ‘n u’ll be able to love properly .

  10. It seems to me that you are intentionally holding the memories back… You probably think he has not apologised enough and he doesn’t deserve the opportunity to be your dad….. The real shocker is that he’s your dad, maybe not the best dad but in his own way he will fight for you and it’s somewhat expected that you return the courtesy of existence to him….. Your problem is that you expect more… SIMPLE!!!!

  11. Sweetheart,
    First of all know that many women deal with the same issues that you do, in different forms.
    Take your time to heal, but keep in mind that as long as you let those memories linger, you can’t feel the sort of joy and hapiness that you want.
    Your dad is merely human, and maybe he is unworthy but then, so are we all…yet God forgives us.
    Pray about it, talk to people about it & allow yourself to let go.
    I can’t promise that it will be easy, or that you won’t get hurt again but I think it’ll be worth it.
    Don’t dwell on the actions of others.
    Create Your Own Destiny.

    Ms Johnson.
    Xxx

  12. I have learnt that the past in a way does determine our future, but God gave us the power of over things not just animals and the earth but also emotions. My dear GOd will never let you go through what you can handle, the forgiveness or letting go is not for him , its for. You have to let go love, you do, i know its not easy but when you do, you start to live the life God has planned for you. You can get over it, you can. What does not kill you, only makes you stonger. Let go, if you dont, it will get the better of you, it will turn into self pity to bitterness to frustration then anger and rage. For a better future for you and those around you, “LET GO”. May God guide you and grant you the grace, Amen.

  13. “I’m 20 now, and I’ve had 2 boyfriends who
    I refused to have any form of intimacy
    with simply because I still can’t bring
    myself to understand that there can
    actually be love without violence. So after
    a few weeks, both relationships have ended
    and I refused to open up to them.

    I find myself living in a topsy-turvy
    emotional state, One day I’m ”happy” the
    next I’m close to depression.
    I try to help others hoping I can help myself
    too, but to little avail. Along the line, I’ve
    also become a Christian and I’m beginning
    to grasp the depth and truth behind letting
    go, and forgiving and accepting and giving
    love”

    Hahaha. the quoted is funny. A few weeks? your boyfriends cudnt wait more than a few weeks before they break up because of sex.

    your use of tenses is horrible tho ._.

    ‘my father is a very insecure
    man’…is he still insecure after becoming a pastor and stuff? 😀

    …and many other examples.

    Anyways, sorry for ya pain, but next time, articulate it non-distractingly ^.^

  14. I Feel your pain dearie, but i want you to know that with God all things are possible, and he alone can fully heal off all the wounds in your heart. Just be strong and try to get yourself involved in things that will build your sense of trust and make you understand that there is more to love.. Love heals, so pray to find true love and when you do, please give it your full trust, that is what healed me too..

  15. Hello friend may the peace of the lord be with u. my little advice is that read ur bible, pray fro forgiveness becos for not u forgiving people God will not forgive u too after this now go to fellowship pray move with people ie. reasonable people, u will see that it’s going to be well with u. av a blessed day.

  16. my advice is that the lord is your rock and your fortress and your deliverer God is also your strength in whom i will trust my shield and the horn of my salvation my stronghold be prayerful and read ur bible always

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