Hi… I’m Mayowa and this is my very first attempt at a blog. I have always wanted to write one but I could never find a suitable topic until I happened to pass my primary school one faithful day.

The dreadful memories bolted back into my head. Now this story mortifies me but I’m a strong person and I have moved on (lie). Before I go on I’ll like to tell you a little about myself (wait, please don’t close the page 😥 I am 32(lie), no wife, no kids, 19000+ tweets (#winning)… now I tell my sad tale…..  Ah yes! One more thing …I was 4 when the events of this day took place… this isn’t exactly what happened… in other words this story is 75% true.

LIGHTS! POPCORN!! ACTION!!!

“DADDY PWWWWEASE”… he’s going to do it again… he’s going to abandon me in this animal pen (school) what did I ever do to this man to deserve such cruel faith?!… Besides I just got discharged from the hospital… I’m not ready for this struggle place just yet *he attempts to bolt but I grab hold of his left leg… he tries to wiggle free and fails…

Source: Google

“Mayowa please… I just want to get gala for you… I’ll be back” “NOOOOO” (translation: just how stupid do you think I am nigga?) “Don’t you want to see your friends?” “I DON’T HAFF FRIENDS *wail” (translation: I don’t associate with retards)… “Stop lying mayo…. ” he spots a teacher heading towards us… I notice her too… “Good morning sir… he’s trying to skip school again eh?” my father smiles “good morning… yes… please take him in for me” she attempts to grab me but I kick out wildly (thought: stay away from me you shit faced troll)… she frowns “you don’t really like school… Do you?”… Silence (thought: captain obvious ! -_-)… “Why don’t you like school? … Don’t you want to grow up to be rich and famous like bill gates?

silence (thought: he dropped out of school!)…

“DADDY TAKE ME HOME”… they both laugh out loud “don’t worry sir you can go” “Mayowa I’m going to leave you with the nice la…” I notice the gateman leave his post leaving the school gate wide open… ”this is my chance” I release my father from my hold “Can I make it?!” the teacher reaches out for my hand “can she run?!” she’s a few inches away “will she chase me?!” I start to make my move “will she catch me?!” I feel her touch… I bolted as fast as my little legs could carry me… my father screamed my name but I didn’t reply… I’m close to the gate now… I can see people outside… I’m almost out I’m going to make it… I’m really going to make it…… I fall down (thought: damn!)… The teacher approaches me and drags me into the school premises… we pass my father… he waves and heads towards the gate… *silence*

*OTIS SCREAM*

The next 5 hours of school were slow and painful… the stupid teacher from this morning had gone around telling teachers and even students about my tragic ordeal (they all had a good laugh)… and during break this girl had her 8 year old brother steal the meat from my lunch box simply because I wrote her name down in the noise makers list (I almost put up a “if found please return” sign for that meat) … but it didn’t matter anymore… school was going to be over in one hour… my last hurdle for the day was going to be a math’s class… this is where the wahala starts… you see I hate mathematics with a passion and it’s simply because of I’m about to tell you… brace yourselves…

Mrs Okoro… the mathematics teacher enters and immediately wrote “9 X 10=” on the chalk board… I’m barely paying attention because all I could think of was going home… I start to imagine all the things I’m going to do once I get home… eat… play with my lego… I begin to smile and Mrs Okoro notices “YOU… Stand up and answer the question on the board” I snap back to reality and see her looking in my direction… I look back (you see I’m usually very coy and quiet so the teachers rarely call me) “ARE YOU STUPID?! IS IT NOT YOU I’M TALKING TO…? WHY ARE YOU LOOKING BACK?” she approaches… in my head I begin to pity the unfortunate student who refuses to answer her (the last thing you want to do as a 4 year old is give mrs Okoro ellla)… she stands in front of me “IS IT NOT YOU I’M TALKING TO?” I smile (you see Mrs Okoro had quarter past 3 eyes so I thought she was talking to the student beside me) she has her Segun Arinze gaze on now (thought: this nigga has signed his death certificate)… she strikes my right cheek with a brilliant backhand ifoti aye… *abrupt silence *Otis scream… real tears(thought: why me Lord?!)… She drags me up taps my ogor and points to the board… I approach the board in tears… I got to the front of the board and my heart skipped 2 beats… I knew if I failed this I was doomed… “Don’t make me come to that board” I pick the chalk and attempt to write what I thought was the answer… fear paralyzes me… she begins to approach me… I can hear her footsteps… (Thought: hear goes nothing… Jesus take control)…  I write what I thought was the most appropriate answer… she’s behind me now *crickets… the whole class explodes with laughter (Thought: bastards… it’s not like you know the answer >.<)… “LOL… so 9X10=11X12…?

That’s what I thought you ehn?” (Thought: Jesus I’m ready… take me now) she asks a student to get her cane… a pile of shit suddenly builds up in my bum “please ma you can’t beat me… I just had surgery on my bum bum” “who are you lying to?” “It’s true ma… I can show you” “show meJ” (Thought: bloody pedophile! >_>) she takes me to the center of the class and we assume the doggy position… “Remove your short” “Ma?!” (Translation: ARE YOU MAD?!) “ARE YOU STUPID…? I SAID REMOVE IT” … she lifts the cane up…. (Hi … please if I’m setting P with you close the page now… this is your bus stop)……  I remove my short hurriedly and reveal the well placed “X” on both sides of my bum… * laughter… Mrs Okoro asks me to pull my short back on… what has this woman done to me… I should hit her… I should shoot he…. I let out a loud fart and dropped… and dropped… and dropped *dramatic pause*sips water… the pile of quality shit that had been building up all this while… the students behind me notice… *laughter… (Plays Asa’s Bibanke)… my plight wasn’t over yet…

Mrs Okoro drags me out to get a new uniform and… and… and… the only uniform they had available was feminine… Mrs Okoro had a choice… let me walk around in my own shit until the school closes or see if I look cute in a feminine uniform… she chose the ….. WATCH OUT FOR PART 2! xoxo

I’m sorry I just can’t go any further *walks away face down… hands in pocket… kicking stones.

– @Jetttson

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Personally, I think if you din’t write down “Names of Noisemakers”  with x2, x3, x4….x7 .. Your childhood sucked! :p

Which option do you think Mrs. Okoro chose? If you were in Mayowa’s shoes, what would you prefer?

Okay, make use of the comment box below! Share your most  memorable embarrassing moment.

Happy Fathers Day!